Looking for the Homelands of My Heart

I breathed in the cool, crisp, minty air. Looking skyward, my eyes gently closed as the freshness filled the bosom of my soul. Moved with appreciation, I threw my arms back energetically. I desired to embrace the whole panorama before me — the morning mist, the newly-risen sun, birds in flight, gliding from peak to peak, and rolling puff-clouds overhead in constant motion. Motion. Spontaneous, perpetual movement. The earth was dancing to the song of open-air quietness with an occasional whisper and a rustling sound of applauding trees. Freedom! “I love you, Sun ... I love you, Earth ... I love you, Everybody!”

The echo waned away, traveling into the universe to become part of the constant motion. My body was overtaken with a passion to be as free as the flighty songbirds. I began to swing it about in an all-but-violent fashion to escape the tight grasp of my tense nerves and slothful muscles. “Let me be free, let me be free!” Gradually my nerves began to loosen and my muscles began to awaken. At a comfortable level of freedom, I stopped. I had not yet reached the point of flight, yet my heart was beating with the confidence that someday I would.

Time to go. “Thank you, Sky. Thank you, Sunshine. You have shown me that it is not hard to be in love with all things. When I am with you, it seems as if the desire of my heart is fulfilled. I want to love everybody. I... I do love everybody. Love is the answer!”
Back at the car, my friends are packed into an old ’66 slant-six coupe parked in the rest area. Two had decided to sprawl out on the seats while the other, like me, had found a place to curl up in the woods.

The tape deck is playing, as usual. But this time the sound of the electric instruments and drums encroaches upon my recent experience of whispering trees and singing birds. My friends, sitting in the car, doors open, seem to not mind what they are missing, as they subtly bob up and down to the rhythm of their “favorite” song. Exhaled smoke slowly creeps out of the car into the open air. Disappointment. “If only they had been there to share in my experience.” Guilt. “If only I could have shown them.” I love them, remember? Yes. I’m with them, we’re together, and we are all traveling in the same direction. We are a few of the ones who have escaped the boredom of a mundane world. We’ve abandoned all form and regimentation, all reserve and restraint, and have blatantly rebelled against society’s established “norm.” We’ve been on the road for two days, headed to the Midwest tour.

It’s there. It’s always been there. The passion, the zeal, the perpetual fire within that has always kindled my curiosity since early childhood. It’s always wanted to find out, always wanted to know. It’s been there all these years, deep inside my soul, yet covered over by the tangled mess of my faulty upbringing. It’s hard to find it because of all the loneliness that was brought about by rejection, and the dissipation that was nurtured by toys and television, and the bitterness brought about by boredom, and a mind that had almost degenerated into nothing from all the blips, beeps, and numbers on my electronic games.

I was locked into the patterns that I’d hoped all along I wouldn’t get caught in. Something had to change. “If only I could begin my life all over again.” Self pity had sunk in deep, but not deep enough to quench the passion still within me. Just at that moment, a voice hit me on the side of the head. “You just need to try something different for a while.”

There’s lots of time to think when traveling, between naps, magazines, bong hits, and cans of malt beverage. I thought of the emptiness deep within, which smoke, alcohol, and propaganda couldn’t reach. What about the passion, the zeal? Where’s the all-encompassing love I felt when alone in the sunshine? My loneliness is more obvious now, and my love has turned into merely a desire to get to where I’m not.

I want to be at the show! This gives me vision, excitement, and a release for some of the passion and zeal locked up inside. When I get there, I want to be tripping. It’s as close as reaching into my shirt pocket. When I’ve been substantially dosed, I want to get in. I’ll do anything to get in. I’ve got to get in. If only I could just get in! Passion. Now I’ve got something to strive for.

At last I get in. Thank God for that. Now I’m ready to ride the Mighty High. But it’s not over yet. I just have to get closer to the stage. Everybody pressing hard against each other, everybody sweating, pushing, pulling, dancing to the beat. Constant motion. Everybody’s together and everybody wants the same thing. To get closer.
It doesn’t matter to me though, ’cause I’ve already taken flight. I am the eyes of the world. I am the song that the morning brings. I’ve been lifted high above my feeble body and the crowd pushing against it. I’ve been lifted out of the prison of my mind. I have left them behind to search for the beaches and homelands of my heart.
The show is over. My poor, pitiful, feeble little body! I’d better come back and guide it out of the stadium. Back to the parking lot. Everything I have hoped for, I’ve attained. Now there is nothing left to hope for.

The next morning I wake up and find myself dead. I feel as if I’m dead. I look as if I have died. I sense that I’m among the dead. I’m dead because I have nothing left to hope for. I have nothing left to give. Death is a dreadful place to be. The dose has worn off and I’m faced with reality. There it is... that empty, lonely feeling, and I know I can’t do anything about it but try and stuff things into it.

My friends are here. By the looks of them, I can tell that they’re sharing a similar feeling. This makes me grateful that I’m not alone. It gives me a little hope. I laugh and play and go on doing the basic things required for survival. In the midst of it all, a voice smacks me on the side of the head again, “Another show...” And so it goes. The perpetual cycle begins again.

Of course. That’s the answer. Everybody needs an outlet. Everybody needs to be able to release the passion within them. Right? The fact is, however, that misguided zeal will eventually destroy you. Reckless abandon, rebellion, and chemicals expanding your mind are not effective ways to expend your energy. Your passion needs direction, guidance, purpose, clarity, vision, or else it will only bring about chaos.

You need to be set free. There is direction to be had, and this is the direction that will set you free. Totally free. Free to love. How terrible it must be to go through life without direction, without purpose, without something to really be excited about, to be zealous for with a passion. Don’t let that precious fire within be slowly snuffed out! That’s our message. The fire that is within you was made so that it could be used to bring an ultimate, radical change to this whole planet in a real and practical way. You don’t need to waste your energies on temporary things. Listen to our message. It is simple and clear. It is full of direction and it is for you. Please, don’t let that fire within you go out.

~ Thomas