Confessions of a Former Feminist
I am 47 now, middle age solidly upon me. Still, being a
woman remains a challenge; being a new woman, "a new
thing on the earth who encompasses a man" (Jeremiah
31:22), the greatest challenge. No kidding. Today it is
all but impossible for a man to rule over a woman. Not in
the sense of lording it over her, but rather her giving
voluntary surrender to his heart, fulfilling her created
purpose (Genesis 3:16) and doing her part to restore the
universe in the process (Revelation 12:1). Woman is the
key, but feminists won't like the recipe.
When I was a little girl around nine years old, I learned how
to avoid little boys who gave me a hard time. I didn't like being
chased and caught, teased and made the center of attention. It
hurt. I did something about it. I did my best to avoid situations
like that. It worked pretty well.
I went to private schools for girls and to a women's college.
In social settings, I only dealt with men whom I wanted
to relate to and I did so on my terms. I cherished my heart
and my feelings. I didn't want to spend them on anything
but the real thing. During the rise of feminism in the 70s
and 80s (in my twenties and thirties), I judged that I had
done the wise and right thing to protect myself. I thought
I had fared well in guarding myself from being unnecessarily
hurt by men. I could cite a litany of my relationships,
feeling like I had come out the other side relatively unscathed.
But as the years pass and the love of my husband brings healing
to my life, I am only just beginning to realize some of the hurts
that I caused men in the process. I had no idea, and what's worse,
I don't even remember thinking about it.
I have been a new woman (Havah Hadashah) and a disciple of Yahshua
for twelve years now. As time moves on, the scales are being
lifted from my eyes and I am seeing more and more clearly
how I have been deceived by schemes of evil, contrary to
God, and how women today are probably the most deceived
women of all time. To be deceived means to believe something
to be true that is not true, even though you believe it
with all your heart. Being deceived is the sin of Eve and
of all women. It is sin because we are all accountable for
what and who we believe (Proverbs 17:4). Do we trust good
or evil, truth or lies? Eve doubted God's goodness toward
her and fallen women continue to do the same, trusting in
their own understanding rather than leaning on God and man.
It is not theory; it is reality. Look around you —
can you see it everywhere?
I'll give you just one example of a deception that plagued
me for years and I didn't even know it. It is near and dear
to my heart. When I was twenty-two, I suddenly fell madly
in love when I least expected it. It was mutual. He was
a few years younger and it took us both by surprise. It
lasted a few months and then 'puff!'— he was gone.
It vanished faster than it arrived. I was devastated. It
caused me great pain for years and I never could figure
out what happened, no matter how much I pined away over
it. I believed our love was true and I was utterly perplexed
at what caused the bottom to drop out of it. We had no fight,
no falling out, no final phone call — just 'puff!'Communication
about it just didn't or couldn't happen. I never could reach
any resolve in myself about it. Occasionally I would see
him around. Mystified as I was by the whole thing, my tender
heart toward him remained. I never felt distant or estranged
or bitter, just severed. We had not been unkind to each
other.
The years came and went. He married. When I saw a photograph
of his bride in the newspaper, I knew he did not love her. Then
the decades came and went. We had a few good conversations about
life, never really about us. He divorced, moved on in his work,
remarried. The warmth between us was never absent on the very
rare occasion that we would cross paths.
A few years back my husband and I were talking. He told
me he thought that this particular relationship took a chunk
out of my life that I never recovered from. He didn't know
how or why; he just sensed it. I knew it was the truth.
I was surprised how he could single it out like that because
the relationship had lasted only a few months. He wanted
to help me. He wanted me to recover. He was not threatened.
He always trusts my love and need for him. We talked in
detail. He told me it was pretty simple what happened twenty
years ago — I had devastated my old love when I said
no to getting married. It was more than he could handle.
The human heart was not meant to 'handle' such things.
"I wasn't ready." " It didn't mean I didn't
love him." " My parents couldn't take it."
On and on. I had many reasons. But the fact is that I was
as much "in love" with him as I knew how to be
back then and it had never once, not in twenty-some years,
occurred to me that I had hurt him like that, that I had
driven him away by my unwillingness to become his wife.
I felt so stupid and so bad. I broke down crying when I
finally saw what had happened and faced the reality of how
I had hurt him. I knew his life had not been particularly
happy. I had such deep regret in me for hurting his heart,
his loving heart that I thought I had treasured. The spirit
of the times deceived me to think something else was more
important — my life, my career, my selfish ambition.
I trusted it. I believed a lie, but nevertheless I am the
one responsible for what I did. It has taken me twenty-five
years to see how our 'free love'cost a lot — a whole
lot.
So last year, after 24 years, I looked him up, went to his place
of business, walked in the door and said I had something to tell
him. He was stunned and not unhappy to see me. He made the time
and we laughed. I confessed to him what I had just learned, telling
him how embarrassed I was never to have realized my own selfishness
and insensitivity. I repented to him in tears for hurting him,
for not trusting the depth of his heart toward me enough to lean
my life on him. I had used him and didn't even know it. All along
I had unconsciously presumed that he was as selfish as I was.
I was very wrong. He was in stunned disbelief that I never knew
why he stopped coming around. He stared right at me, right through
me and out the other side saying, "I thought you knew. I
thought you knew you were the one that ended it. I loved you."
I assured him in utter shame that what I was telling him was the
truth. We both cried and smiled. I don't think the pain of how
I hurt him will ever be gone for me, but I know I am forgiven
and rejoice that at least now I am beginning to see these ways
as sin, confess them, and receive mercy.
The problem between us was that our relationship went ahead
of being in a covenant — a covenant of marriage. It
is not the way it is supposed to be. Feminism doesn't teach
you much, if anything, deeper than a woman's own self-interest.
Feminism is a lie. It is a deceitful scheme designed to
rob women and men both. Don't do to someone else what you
don't want them to do to you. Remember? The Golden Rule.
Why is it that women can fault what men do to them, but
see it as their right to do the same thing back, or worse?
Do you recall the popularity of the movie First Wives
glorifying revenge? It is an evil approach to life that
cannot make anyone happy except those who glory in evil.
Often women feel used by men sexually — after the fact.
But if they didn't sleep with men whom they were not willing to
surrender their lives to, then they would not get used in that
way. Neither would men. The deception is that women don't face
how seriously they hurt men in relationships — it is wicked
that they justify it. It is just as evil as men misusing women.
Both men and women forget that they will have to give account
for how they relate to one another, not on their terms, but on
God's, who designed the protected covenant of marriage where intimacy
could be cherished and blessed.
The sooner men and women realize they need each other to be men
and women, according to God's created purpose (Genesis 1:24-28), the
better it will be — for everybody, including the children,
the future adults on this planet. A man and a woman being one
the way God intended — man ruling from a place of giving
up his life for his wife, and woman surrendering totally to his
love — is the beginning of restoration. It is the opposite
of broken relationships. It is the foundation of wanted, procreated
children who want to follow the vision of their parents, in pursuit
of love.
"I've looked at love from both sides now, from up and
down, and still somehow it's love's illusions I recall. I really
don't know love at all." There was truth in these 60s
lyrics. No one can know love if he only loves himself. I am happy
to be learning how to love for real and to walk in the forgiveness
of the One who poured out His life for me when I don't. My husband
leads me on that path and I am so glad I could see past the fears
and the lies of feminism to surrender to his love, without reserve.
It is wonderful to be a woman learning what my created purpose
is. I have no regrets in that act of trusting.
To trust is the most feminine and most godly and most radical
act a woman can do. It is the very nature of the twelve-tribed
nation that will be Israel, the bride of the Lamb, the slain Lamb
who died for her. Restoration must come through woman, through
her voluntary surrender. The sorrow that I know is that which
comes from the damage and pain I caused others in only trusting
myself. I'm glad there is an alternative, a way to be forgiven
and have a new life where I can learn to love and be loved, for
real.
~ Havah
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